Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don’t know what’s worse:

1. having your mistress find out you’re married.
2. explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on
   your penis.
3. or finding out your penis fits through your wedding
   ring!!!

~~~

To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

While going through a three-ringed binder, we stumbled upon a poem my late grandfather wrote in 1943. My grandmother never heard or saw this poem entitled “Love is in the Ayr”.

I’ve often wondered where my brother and I acquired our ability to write. He can write letters that get grants for his Volunteer Fire Company, while I can weave stories, or so I’m told. ;)

So, without further ado, I give you the poem my grandfather wrote to my grandmother on November 1, 1943

Love is in the Ayr

by R. B. Scott

While on a bus from Glasgow to Ayr
Who would ever dream of finding romance there
Then two nights later at “Bobby Jones”
This romance really soaked into my bones
After having a walk with Jean and Min
Was I surprised to find love walked in
Then on Thursday night at a movie show
My heart and I “took off you know”.
Thence to Valley on a passenger train
Leaving my love in Scotland’s domain
Your letters to me were ever so sweet
My telling you that again we would meet
Now the day has come to praise dear Ayr
For “Scotty” found his future wife up there.

 

 

 

My Pap-Pap
by Heather Rae Scott (c)

It’s hard to imagine the world without you
Unfinished plans, things left to do
They tell us we’re lucky we’ve had you so long
But we already miss your jokes, stories and songs.

Your laughter was infectious to everyone you met
Although most of us knew how stubborn you could get.
I wish we’d had a video to capture the past
Then, pap-pap you would surely get the last laugh.

On your honeymoon in Wales, your unsuspecting bride
Got on a bike with her fur coat for one helluva ride
No brakes, lots of screaming, but he sure couldn’t save
His bride driving into the ocean, caught up in the waves.

To surprise his children one Christmas Eve Night
In a Santa Suit and Sleigh bells he literally took flight
Out over the roof he sprang into the air
Thank God for the snow bank that was built there!

His good natured humor left nothing to spare
With his innate ability to tip any chair
Whether covered in upholstery, cloth or silk
He’d tumble over and not spill one drop of buttermilk

But there’s more to this funny man, more than you know
He had a mushy side he didn’t always show
He wrote a poem thanking Scotland for his beautiful bride
And when he talked about his kids, he’d swell up with pride

Three boys and a daughter, the apples of his eye
The four of you lit up his world like the 4th of July
No one was prouder of the achievements you’ve made
Hold onto his love and never let it fade

You gave him grandchildren and we gave him more
Great-grandchildren for him to adore
To pass on the songs he learned in the country
Of bare butts in the garden and even a monkey

Your legacy will live on,this I promise you
We’ll hold you in our hearts so dear and true
And if we ever start to cry
We’ll remember your imitation of Pop-eye

Forever you will be in our hearts
And if we hold on tight, we’ll never be apart
And as this poem draws to an end,
We should celebrate the life of a husband, daddy, pap-pap and friend.